From the author: Read also my collections of articles on the topics: Shame and guilt Codependency Grief, loss, bereavement Erroneous attitudes and obligations Family relationships, man and woman This is not the first time I have raised the topic of separation from parents in their articles and notes. It is worth noting that most often difficulties occur precisely in the process of separation from the mother. From the very beginning of its existence, even in the womb of the mother, the child is in complete fusion and dependence on his mother. But the baby is in the womb for an average of about 9 months, and then the process of separation of mother and child is inevitable. And it is through this process of separation that the child’s life continues. From the moment a child is born, the child becomes separated from the mother’s body and this is the first significant act of division (separation). Subsequently, the stages of separation occur normally, when the child begins to move independently, begins to attend child care institutions (enters society), adolescence and independent adulthood. The separation process can occur with family crises, the level of life functioning is significantly reduced if the separation processes are not completed. In the process of development of our country, women were assigned a special role. Wars have claimed the lives of men for decades: the world wars, the civil war, the Stalinist period. During these difficult periods, women were left alone; one might say that they had to survive and raise children without men. In the absence of men, the emotional energy that is absorbed in marital relationships in a prosperous society was transferred to relationships with children. This culture of life was passed on from generation to generation. And today it is not uncommon to see that the coalition of mother and children is at the center of the family, and the husband is on the periphery. In this regard, the problem of separation from the mother is relevant in Russia. One of the symptoms of a pathological separation process may be postpartum depression and even psychosis. In this case, it is accompanied by anxiety for the child, even fear for his life, despair (due to an irreversible change in life) and horror of responsibility for the child, as well as an understanding of the unwillingness to interact with an individual. At the same time, the mother may feel bad about her child, she does not understand his reactions, and communication with the child becomes forced and unnatural. Trust in maternal feelings is not formed. The mother has anxiety and a feeling that she can’t do anything and doesn’t know anything, and that she could harm the baby. The next stage of separation is the child’s independent movement. It can also cause anxiety in the mother. After all, control over the child becomes more difficult to exercise. In order for separation at this stage to proceed favorably, it is necessary to create conditions for the free and at the same time safe independent movement of the child. To slow down the separation process, psychological means of control can be used to tie the child to the mother. At the same time, the child is instilled with a sense of his own insecurity in the dangerous world around him. For example, if a child begins to move, and in a loud tone, understandable to the child as a danger signal, they say: “Careful”, “Quietly”, “don’t fall”, etc. Parents show fear if the child has fallen and for the child this means that something dangerous and significant has happened that should not happen. In those cases, when the child is in the mother’s arms, she is relaxed and peaceful, the child understands this by the volume of the mother’s voice and breathing frequency. The child understands that in contact with the mother it is good and calm, but separately it is bad and scary. An excellent way to instill inadequacy in a child and tie the child to oneself is to exaggerate the danger of everything around him. Attending kindergarten and at the same time entering society is the next stage of separation. If the family system protests against the further separation of the child, then the child will be sick and afraidattend kindergarten and will not adapt to it. Everything possible will be done to stay at home as it was before. If parents perceive children in kindergarten as carriers of germs and bacteria, and teachers as ignorant, rude and evil. At the same time, waking up in the morning for kindergarten is a serious injustice in life. You shouldn’t be surprised why the child doesn’t want to stay there. In the future, the fear of separation also contributes to the fear and reluctance to attend school. If the separation process is strongly advanced, then it will make itself felt in adolescence. Instead of answering the basic question of this age: “Who am I?” The teenager resorts to various methods that help him not to be separated from the family. This could be various diseases, alcohol or drug abuse, poor academic performance, and other evidence of one’s insolvency and the need for family to take care of themselves. Difficulties in raising children are a difficulty faced by a person who has not undergone separation. If a person has not gone through all the processes of separation, then the boundaries of his own self have not been built. Anxiety, which is transmitted from mother to child, is of great importance here. If a mother uncontrollably transmits her anxiety to her child, and the child accepts it, a common mother-child emotional system is formed. In this system there is no freedom to choose reactions; they are automated. For example: if the mother accuses, the child becomes angry; if the mother screams, the child gets offended. At the same time, both mother and child are worried, and it is not clear who feels what. It seems that mother and child are worried about different things, but in reality, one is worried because the other is worried. In this case, complete separation cannot occur. Difficulties in creating his own family await a person who has not undergone separation. Because there may be no room left for new relationships. At the same time, relationships with parents do not have to be good; they can be conflicting, bad, but at the same time intense. I’ll give an example from Anna Varga’s book “Introduction to Family Systemic Psychotherapy”: Man – K…. middle-aged - a famous scientist, lives alone with his mother, wants to have his own family, but this does not work out. Was married for a short time, divorced, no children. Falls in love very rarely and sluggishly. Much more intense are the experiences associated with relationships with my mother, a very old woman, and my father, who died about ten years ago. The main content of these relations is rivalry and claims. K. works in approximately the same field where his father worked - also a scientist, but more successful, more status, more famous. It is believed that death prevented him from receiving the Nobel Prize. K would like his father’s colleagues to understand that he is no less talented than his father, that he achieved everything on his own. The resentment against his father for not helping K. make a career has been relevant for about 30 years. K. believes that his parents did not love him and took bad care of him. He returns good for evil, takes care of his mother, but she still does not appreciate him. Here there is drama, here passions, and women are just holes. Separation also has an impact on the choice of a marriage partner. If a woman is under the influence and control of her mother, she suffers from this, but the likelihood is that she will choose a partner who is able to tear her away from her mother (in her opinion) and protect her from the influence of her mother. The choice falls on a man who is not accepted by the woman’s family and does not find a common language with her mother. For the same reason, divorce occurs in the future. And the woman returns with the child to her parental family. It’s as if she is being bought off by her mother as a child and gets freedom. The child replaces his mother in his relationship with his grandmother. In this case, the mother, as a rule, moves away from the child. In family systemic psychotherapy, such a child is called a replacement child. I will quote Anna Varga again with an example from her book: On the advice of the teacher, a first-grader was brought to me. At school they complained about his bad behavior, aggressiveness towards classmates and restlessness in class. It turned out that the boy was not/