In 2019, according to Rosstat, the percentage of divorces relative to registered marriages was 65%, as in 2018. Last year 2020 was special - fewer marriages, fewer divorces. Some failed the test of intimacy, while others chose a monogamous relationship. "Both are to blame for divorce." But why should we look for those to blame and blame ourselves? What psychological bonuses does this provide? “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” Letting go of that whisper of backing vocals, not taking on the mission of God, is a difficult task, but doable with some training. Judging is not our business at all now; there are enough earthly troubles for our eyes. For thousands of years, in all countries of the world, people built a family not for love, not for happiness or sex, but for banal survival. The more children, connections with relatives, the more prominent and influential among them, the greater the chances of extending life, learning the wisdom of construction, farming, hunting, and defeating attacking neighbors in the war for natural resources. Civilization changes priorities. Now we get married to "make each other happy." And everyone has their own idea about it. Strategically, we have not needed our pack for a long time. Now we can choose our environment not on the basis of blood relationship, but on the principle of spiritual closeness, interests, and worldview. Some people want to have a constant sexual partner all their lives, while for others it’s such a boredom that it hurts their cheekbones. No one will condemn anyone, beat anyone with stones, drive them out into the desert to suffer cold and hunger, and will not even expel them from the party at the next party meeting “for immorality,” or deprive them of their positions, as was the case quite recently. And presidents are now getting divorced. A person can easily live without a family in a civilization where there is no need to survive. But if people have been married for many years, or one has long fantasized about a future together, then the unexpected end of the relationship is always painful. Part of the brain dies. The dynamic stereotype is collapsing. One psychologist compared divorce to the division of one state into two separate ones. And now we must build walls, mark and protect borders, sever above-ground and underground communications, and divide natural resources. It may be necessary to somehow agree on their mutually beneficial use and conduct diplomatic negotiations. It’s troublesome and energy-consuming in every sense. It’s good if we can come to an agreement, not become opponents and avoid war. And if not, then “a la ger com a la ger” - you will have to fight back, seek the help of your allies. But: “The best fight is the one that was avoided!” To avoid is to remain in good human relationships. Or draw conclusions and move on without fear of stepping on the same rake. Natalya Dyakova. Psychologist-consultant.