Who hasn’t heard that you need to forgive? Moreover, this “must” most often sounds like an order. Or as manipulation. And, most importantly, the reasons why you are obliged to forgive are like cockroaches, and if you do not intend to forgive, then there are more and more reasons to put pressure on you with the need for forgiveness. Let's see how this usually happens.1. Human reason to forgive: well, I apologized, what else do you need?2. Religious reason to forgive: turn the other cheek.3. Spiritual Reason to Forgive: The grudge you hold closes your heart chakra.4. Monetary reason to forgive: the client is always right, don’t you dare make a face when they spit on him.5. A good reason to forgive: The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is a characteristic of the strong.6. Enlightened Reason to Forgive: Forgiveness is not approval of what happened. It’s a choice to rise above it. In my opinion, there are now two big problems with the issue of forgiveness, which, alas, even my colleagues don’t often see.⏩ The first problem of forgiveness. The violent nature of obtaining it. Let’s imagine that certain actions have occurred that violate rights, freedom, well-being and something else of one person by another person. The first is naturally offended, the second apologizes. What happens if forgiveness does not follow? There may be objective reasons for this. Well, at first the offender will wait, confident that this is just a delay. Perhaps he will begin to behave as usual. However, there is still no forgiveness, the relationship remains alienated. The offender begins to be indignant. Why, I apologized. Then, oddly enough, the offender begins to have allies. These could be relatives or people from the team who begin to put pressure on the offended person and support the offender. The conflict becomes not interpersonal, but social, and strongly reeks of bullying (bullying in a team). If there is no team, then the offender himself may be offended. And take the pose “Well, if you don’t forgive, then get it!” - with various subsequent actions. But, you know, forgiving is not an obligation. Write in the comments, are you familiar with such situations?⏩ The second problem of forgiveness. If regarding the first point, it can be rightly noted that this is a problem of toxic people, manipulators, abusers and in general, oh, these unconscious people, I wish they could all at least get some short-term psychotherapy... Then in the second point, I am the leader of unpopular opinions. I say that forgiveness is your renunciation of your own rights to respect, strength, rightness, a place in the sun, status and a sea of ​​other wonderful things. Which you refuse yourself. And if this is not obvious to you, now I’ll put everything beautifully in order for you. Let’s first take a look at the encyclopedia. “Forgiveness is the renunciation of personal resentment, unkind feelings towards the perpetrator, as well as the renunciation of revenge or demands for retribution and compensation for losses and suffering suffered.” ; forgiveness of debt or obligations: forgiveness of a monetary debt, a broken promise to do something, and so on.” So, what do we see? Already from this definition it is clear that forgiveness is: 1. Yes man, you hurt my feelings, you can get away with it. You can do it again, you can get away with it again. That's how I love myself, that anyone can hurt my feelings.2. Yes, I am not going to show how much it hurt me by any actions. If you don't understand this yourself, it's okay. I'll just sit with my heart bleeding, and you mind your own business and don't think about anything, offenders.3. Yes, no compensation needed. They broke my heart, my legs, my car, maybe something else, depending on the situation, but I forgave, and now these are only my problems. Together with those who were without this resentment.4. Yes, all your responsibility in our relationship, dear offenders, is now on me. If you are involved in some project with me with money, time, effort or something else, I will now be the only one to sort it out, I am all-forgiving. I am kissing you, bye. Come again. Moreover, this is on the surface. In this context, it seems to some thatIs forgiveness a psychologically healthy process? Freeing the heart chakra from resentment? Reflecting mature self-confidence? No, forgiveness is the story of people allowing themselves to be used. And who devalue everything they deal with or with. And if this is still not obvious to you, then let's dig a little deeper. Here I will expand on the idea with specific examples.1. An example of intellectual devaluation. A person gains knowledge by spending years at an institute. He studies the discoveries made by hundreds of outstanding people, whose experiments involved thousands of volunteers. Some died for these discoveries, others dedicated their lives to them. And so, a person who has acquired knowledge writes a scientific work based on it, but someone stole this work. What should you do with a thief? That's right, forgive. And thereby show your butt to the scientists who died so that a person could gain knowledge.2. An example of social devaluation. A person is in a team. It doesn’t matter what his status is: someone will certainly consider him a friend, but someone doesn’t care. For some, his words are motivation, for others they are just background. Some people changed their lives by listening to his words, while others see him as one of many bricks in the wall of society. And so, someone publicly insulted the person. What should you do with a boor? That's right, forgive me. And thereby spit in the brains of everyone whose motivation, way of thinking, mood was influenced by their relationship with this person. Even those who didn’t care: now they all feel like bricks in the wall of society next to a spitting brick, which reeks of humiliation and has somehow become unpleasant to be around. The neutral background became nauseating because it allowed itself to be made that way.3. An example of aesthetic devaluation. Man surrounded himself with beauty. His clothes are from an expensive brand, selected by a stylist. His office has beautiful paintings and a thoughtful interior. But his guest today not only verbally desecrated the painting of a talented artist, but also doused it with sour borscht. What should you do with this guest? Forgive urgently! Thus, telling the artist: your talent is worthy of me simply moving a rag over it. Thereby telling everyone whose mood changes in the thoughtful interior: take a sniff of the sour borscht. Thus telling stylists and fashion designers: stop creating an image, forget how to sew something beautiful, the level of rudeness and throwing borscht - this is the crown of creation, nothing more is needed.4. An example of physiological devaluation. A person lives in his body, which his mother carried under her heart for 9 months. In a body that nature created as an ideal temple for his spirit. This body is carefully fed exclusively healthy food, plays sports and invests huge amounts of money on wellness treatments. But here, this body is being beaten by the husband's abuser. Without really understanding, it hits a beautiful face, well-groomed hands, toned legs, and absolutely flawless kidneys. What to do with an abuser? Forgive, of course. And thereby make it clear to the mother that it would not be a pity to drop her child on the floor right away. And thereby tell all nutritionists: I really don’t care about my kidneys, it was a joke on you, you suckers. And thereby tell nature: a temple for the spirit is a punching bag for my offender, thank you for making him such a toy.5. An example of family devaluation. A person is part of his family. He takes care of someone, teaches someone, cleans after someone, works for someone. Accepts someone's help, asks for someone's care. And now, some family member is slandering him. We know what to do - forgive. And thus, as it were, to declare that the trust built with all family members was never necessary, well, you broke it, and to hell with it. And thereby proclaiming that warmth and openness with loved ones are not really necessary, and it would not be a pity to exchange them for gossip. And thereby agree that love in a family is equivalent to empty space. Using examples, it seems to me, it becomes crystal clear that forgiveness is the same devaluation of everything that you have done withyourself. Through work, sweat and blood, long hours of intellectual tension, honesty and kindness, your sincerity and charm. Substitute here what was broken during the offense - this is exactly what devalues ​​forgiveness. That's exactly what you're giving up when you decide to just accept and forgive. Do you want to give up the respect earned through hours of good decisions? Do you want to give up pure, sincere relationships nurtured by your personal charisma? Do you want to give up the reputation gained over years of successful negotiations? Do you want to give up the strength developed by hard training? Do you want to give up love, luck, money, inner harmony, happiness? Every time you forgive, you give up what the offender broke. Perhaps you will quickly fix it - because you built to last, because your loved ones will help you, because you are strong and are able to restore anything. But that doesn't change the fact that IT WAS BROKEN. Yes, you restored, healed, raised from scratch. But still, it was broken because you allowed it. You gave the right to the existence of your value to the one who offended you. I am against forgiveness. I believe that the only true version of forgiveness, in which you do not lose anything of your own and do not show your butt to the sources from which you fed your strength, is now who If something is broken, it is to demand that it be fixed. First, fix what you broke. Then forgiveness. Then, maybe, our relationship will continue. And nothing else. So...1. An example of proper intellectual forgiveness. Has someone misappropriated your scientific work? Let him first return it as it was, taking into account the indirect consequences. Perhaps your reputation has been damaged - it needs to be restored. Perhaps you were unable to obtain an academic degree on time - you need to compensate for lost opportunities. You may have lost money - you need to return it.2. An example of social devaluation. Have you been publicly insulted? It is necessary to publicly apologize so that absolutely everyone who saw the offense caused will continue to perceive you as before after the apology. So that no one will ever remember the moment when you were spat on.3. An example of aesthetic devaluation. Was your favorite painting doused with sour borscht? Let the offender himself wash it, and carefully and efficiently, so that not a single molecule of borscht remains on the baguette. And in the presence of the artist who painted it. Upon completion of laundering, the offender should cry from the realization of what he did with beauty.4. An example of physiological devaluation. Was there physical violence? First and foremost, the abuser must ensure full restoration. If this is not possible, compensate for all consequences, including indirect and long-term ones. Will you need medical interventions every two years for the rest of your life? His responsibility. Can't dance anymore? He is looking for an alternative that will suit the offended person. Will this affect work? Let the offender rearrange the workplace so that the difference is not felt.5. An example of family devaluation. Slandered by a family member? Let him tell the truth. Let him ensure that everyone’s opinion about the offended person returns to its place. Even taking into account that joke “The loss was found, but the sediment remained.” No sediment, let him take it upon himself. And, of course, he will make sure that the internal balance of the offended relative is restored. Once again I want to mention an important point about compensation for everything, including indirect consequences. It is important. You see, you could do many wonderful things for other people, your clients, your children, yourself. You would move toward personal progress, complete your developments, and contribute to the evolution of the world. If you hadn't been undermined by someone's evil intent. Do you understand, right? This is not just about repairing the immediate damage. But also about the months, years of pause in your personal evolution. Which might not have happened. Where would you be if it weren't for the abuser, in your relationships, career, creativity, etc.? Why the hell did he stop you? Why should you close your eyes?