From the author: By “abuse” in this article we mean emotional and psychological violence. An “abuser” is a person who subjects a partner to emotional violence, including intimidation, insults, and verbal aggression. Abuse can eventually turn into physical violence. Not even that. Why does the man next to you become an abuser? In most cases, a man who is prone to violence does not manifest himself as an abuser from the very beginning. At the moment of meeting you and the first months after the start of the relationship, this is the sweetest person who admires you in every possible way and praises you to the skies. It is precisely perverted narcissists and manipulators (see Tanya Tank’s book “Fear, I’m with you”) who tend to say at the initial stage of a relationship that you are the only one, that he has never had someone like you, that only with you he has known happiness, to tell you how unique and perfect you are. Why does he need this? He believes it himself. In his picture of the world, people are divided into first and second class. If he saw the first class in you, he will honestly talk about it. And if you suddenly pay attention to him, then it means that he is also kind of first class. Just one problem. For an abuser, there are no absolutely equal people. And having reached the first grade, having begun to communicate closely with you, he gradually returns to his inner feeling of the second grade. Only one thing can help you get out of this painful situation - making you second class. Which is what he does, humiliating, devaluing, and sometimes simply calling people names and being rude. And then the abuse begins. The second part of the relationship. A relationship that started out like a fairy tale. But they turned into hell. Why do they last? Because the woman remembers how enthusiastically he spoke about her, how he extolled her, how he loved her. He couldn't stop loving, could he? Since she says that she has gained weight in a year, she needs to lose weight, and then she will love again as before. I don’t know how to cook cheesecakes like his mother? I urgently need to study, because I’m perfect for him! And you need, you need to maintain this illusion of ideality. At this moment it would be good to stop, look around and think, or at least pick up and read Tanya Tank, Susan Forward, Lundy Bancroft or Patricia Evans, but all the energy goes into improving oneself for his sake. To get that drug again in the form of admiration and praise. But over time, criticism and abuse become more and more, and admiration and joy from relationships become less and less... Why do we fall for this bait and become the abuser’s companions for many years? The answer was in the previous paragraph. Because we urgently need this very drug in the form of praise and admiration. And you need to be able to give this self-love, self-acceptance to yourself, so as not to fall into the networks of such narcissists. A self-sufficient, self-confident woman will never believe that she is “the only one,” “perfect,” or that “he has never had one like him.” A self-sufficient woman does not need admiration and confirmation of her merits. She knows her strengths, she also knows her weaknesses, she understands and accepts the fact that she can be different and that no one can be perfect. And, yes, she doesn’t need an “ideal man.” Why do we so want to be “extolled to the skies”? Where does this need to be “the one,” “the best,” and “unique” come from? It’s all from the same place, from childhood. From those moments when our parents did not accept our negative feelings, excessively scolded us for the slightest mistakes, demanded perfection in everything. And such a fragile self-esteem grows. “When I’m good enough, I’m wow, and when I’m not good enough, I’m nothing.” And there is an urgent need for a person who would maintain the “wow” state. Otherwise, it’s very easy to fall back into “nothing.” And there seems to be no middle ground. There is no permission for yourself to be imperfect, imperfect, to make mistakes, to be angry, to be offended. As if you always need to be sweet, kind and cheerful - and then they will love you? Did this happen often in childhood? Hugged and kissed only when you did everything right? But you grew up. Education is over. Yes, now they are so sad.