Many people know the concept of existential loneliness, associated with the very fact of our existence and with the fact that we have to come into this world and leave it alone. However, this is not what I want to write about here. Now I’m talking about loneliness, which is experienced as the absence of truly close people - a partner, friends, like-minded people. The absence of someone with whom we can share part of our lives: meet, talk about the most important things, empathize, find support and mutual understanding, love. Trying to get rid of loneliness, we try to figure out which club of interests to go to in order to find friends. We know that thought is material and we draw a psychological portrait of the desired partner. However, living in a huge city among a variety of people, we just can’t meet the same ones. WHY? The fact is that, contrary to expectations, loneliness does not disappear when people appear next to us. Even if they are the most wonderful people. Because loneliness is a way of building relationships with the world and with other people. A lonely person is lonely because he simply does not know how to be with another, although he sincerely desires this. This can be seen, for example, in the process of psychotherapeutic work. It would seem that right here and now there is a psychologist nearby - a person who seeks to understand, with whom you can share your pain, sadness, fear, and at least not be alone for the duration of this meeting. However, a person accustomed to loneliness really does not see this opportunity and cannot take what he needs. In the same way, he does not see and does not accept this in life. During his loneliness, he got so used to coping on his own and relying only on himself that he doesn’t even try to lean on someone, not giving the other person the opportunity to do something for himself or just be there. It can be very difficult for such a person to reveal his uncertainty and vulnerability to others, to admit to others (and sometimes to himself) the extent to which he needs people. Therefore, from the outside there may be a misleading impression that everything is fine with him. People don’t realize that he needs him and pass by. As a result, the circle closes. It turns out that we are lonely not so much because there is no one next to us, but because we are not next to someone. That is why, when working with loneliness, it is so important to explore what previously eluded our attention - our reasons and ways of avoiding emotional intimacy. (c) Inna Rezvova, 2013