From the author: The article was published in the magazine “Newlyweds of the Upper Volga Region” No. 33 (December-January, 2011-2012) Secrets of family happiness How to preserve love and those tender, warm feelings with which young people enter for many years into a family union? What challenges do young families inevitably encounter and how can they be overcome? Free yourself from illusions Each of us has our own unique idea of ​​what a family should be like. From early childhood, we observed the devices of different families - our own and those of others, constantly comparing and drawing our own little children's conclusions. And we chose what we liked best, focusing on those models of behavior that were practiced by people who, for one reason or another, enjoyed authority among us, whom we respected, whom we wanted to be like. Scenarios from films and novels were also woven into this... In general, we studied this issue in detail and thoroughly, and fantasized in our heads how it “should be.” We put together the perfect picture based on the details from the elements we liked. And then, with all this wealth - our fantasies and expectations, we get married! So, in everyone’s head there is a plan for “family happiness”, and he is sure that if it goes as planned, then everyone will be happy. But that's just your plan. Your partner has his own. And he also expects you to absolutely comply with his script. And he doesn’t consider it necessary to voice his expectations, because it seems to him that this is already clear - “it goes without saying,” because “it’s like this in all normal families.” And neither partner realizes that each has an individual idea of ​​“normal families,” but both call it a “normal family.” But there is nothing worse than unjustified expectations! Moreover, no one even considers it necessary to inform each other about their plans, and if they try, then at best they will hear behind the partner’s words only what they want to hear, but not what was actually said. The result is clashes, conflicts, showdowns and an abyss of mutual alienation. Therefore, it is very important to see in yourself these false, artificial schemes that are not suitable for your union and get rid of them. It is impossible to have a plan for family happiness in advance; it is unique for each couple and can only arise during the relationship. Be lenient with each other. However, the main problem is that young people do not realize one very important thing - getting married in itself is extremely stressful! Scientists estimate its level to be even higher than during divorce. How can this be? The fact is that stress is not some kind of misfortune, as is commonly thought. Stress is changes in the conditions of our existence that require us to internally restructure and adapt. And our brain, by and large, doesn’t care at all why it has to change – for a good reason or for a bad reason. There is work to be done - breaking down the old, creating a new one. And marriage is a very serious change. And it lies in the following: if earlier there was freedom to manage your time, that is, “I do what I want,” but now it is necessary to coordinate plans with your other half. Financial, housing issues, organization of everyday life, recreation, having and raising children, relationships with relatives, friends, and so on. Absolutely everything is changing – from the habit of sleeping alone in your bed to the rules for using the shower. Plus there is also food, shopping, relationships with friends and the structure of leisure time. Every little thing changes! The brain must now constantly make this correction - “now remember your family...”. And this is a huge job, a systemic restructuring of the entire brain. Fatigue, exhaustion and increased irritability appear in both partners. Young spouses inevitably experience enormous internal discomfort. Even if on a conscious level they assess the fact of their marriage extremely positively, inside, at the subconscious level, they are in a state of severe stress..