From the author: Veronika KrainovaClinical psychologist, psychotherapist in the transactional analysis modality Full member of the All-Russian Professional Psychotherapeutic League Today we’ll talk about the third message “don’t get close”, “don’t be close”. Signs of this message: A person cannot build close relationships, or relationships do not last long, they are interrupted only after they begin. If you have created a family, then this is similar to “loneliness together,” when people share living space as neighbors, but there is no real intimacy. “Incomplete intimacy” - a person chooses obviously unsuitable partners with whom he cannot start a family. Married, from a different culture, or with a large age difference that turns out to be a hindrance. Difficulties with trust - a person cannot trust other people, expects some kind of trouble from them, suspects them of something. Fear of creating a relationship, a person may be afraid that he will be abandoned, that the relationship will not last. It is difficult to open up emotionally, a person is emotionally closed. How the message “Don’t get close” is transmitted and received. IMPORTANT: For the message to be transmitted, the child must accept it. This means making a certain “conclusion”, making a decision about yourself, about other people, about life. I specifically write “can draw a conclusion” - because in the same situation different children can draw completely different conclusions. This depends on infinitely many factors, innate and acquired qualities. Various options are possible here, or a combination of them: Emotionally cold parents who reject the child’s attempts to get closer. They give little physical contact and behave coldly with the child. In this case, the child may conclude that it is not worth opening up and showing feelings too much, it is better to stay aloof. Leaving the family or death of one of the parents. The child may conclude that a loved one will leave him sooner or later in any case, so there is no point in getting too close and attached. Frequent moving from place to place. The child may conclude that there is no point in becoming attached to other people, making friends - it will all end soon anyway. Single-parent family. If the mother is lonely and also offended by men, she will convey this attitude to her daughter (through emotions, actions, facial expressions, through words). In this case, the daughter may conclude that men cannot be trusted and getting close to them is dangerous. Likewise, a father can convey the message “women cannot be trusted” to his son. Dysfunctional family, when the family situation and relationships are disrupted in one way or another. In this case, the child may conclude that relationships are bad, family is bad and dangerous, and subconsciously avoid relationships. The main conclusion that the child makes is “Getting close is dangerous. Trust is dangerous. Opening up emotionally is dangerous. Still rejected. It still won't work. Today there is a person, tomorrow he is not.” And he carries this conclusion throughout his life and implements it in his relationships, building them in a specific way: emotionally cold and distant, choosing partners with whom close relationships are impossible, running away from relationships, not allowing them to develop. I’ll add about the resource. It's really not always safe to get close. And here it turns out that a person does not feel the resource to cope if something goes wrong. For him it is too traumatic and intolerable. And the goal of therapy here is to help a person find this resource, feel and grow it in himself. Learn to rely on yourself and support yourself, to feel complete and whole - in any case, whether there is a relationship or not. What should parents do in order not to formulate this message in their children? Most often, parents themselves have a traumatic experience on this topic - and want to warn the child from pain and disappointment. That's why they say that you shouldn't trust people, you should be careful and it's better to stay away just in case until the person proves otherwise. 1. Ideally, correct this setting yourself. 2. Keep warm!