From the author: The topic of control and payment for obtaining it. It is strange, however, that I started talking about the fact that you must definitely pay for control over yourself. Why the fright? Will they control me in every possible way, and will I still have to pay for it? But, however, for everything in this life you need to pay a fee. And yet, usually people are willing to pay not for control, but for care, which implies payment in the form of obedience. For example, a mother takes care of her child, demanding his obedience in return. Everyone knows the maternal complex, which is born from such care, which sometimes (often) over time develops into total control. Adult children cannot take a step without the approval of their parents. The eternal theme of the terrible mother-in-law, who controls the life of her son in terms of choosing his brides “for herself,” or completely depriving him of family life. Where does this over-concern come from? Control, as almost any psychologist will say, is designed to calm the anxiety of the controlling person, simply remove fear before life. The illusion of “mastery of the situation” provides some kind of foothold. The motive of power, the motive of omnipotence, that “I myself can influence circumstances” gives a certain sense of security. “I will go with you.” "Call me from every station." That's why it's an illusion. You won’t be there, but you are still trying to “be there,” albeit virtually. Why is control born of fear? And what is this fear about? For whom exactly is the controlling person afraid? I think for myself. The survival instinct and social motives that “live” at the level of instincts are stronger than reason. Models of behavior based on fear, on the instinct of self-preservation, have come up with romantic packaging. Love is so strong that it cannot live without its beloved. He committed suicide out of love. Or maybe out of fear? After all, the beloved chose someone else. If we were talking about her interests, about where she is better off, it would be wiser to step aside and give her loved one what he wants, and not the feeling of guilt for “innocently committing suicide.” For example, selflessness. Some psychologists who are busy searching for the origins of various words in the Russian language will say that this expression “self-denial” is about rejecting oneself. Does this somehow correlate with the “selfish” interest of self-preservation? Isn’t this selflessness to worry about small children? I think no. I think that mother and child are so connected in the first period of life that the mother partially “lives” in her child. And his pain is her pain. Caring for a child is akin to caring for oneself, about one’s well-being, not for the purpose of rejecting oneself, but for the purpose of preserving oneself as a mother. The instinct for procreation, the survival of the species. Further, caring for a child can be dictated by the fear of being rejected by society. What will people say? How is my baby dressed? what does he look like? What can he do, where does he study? Are there not many such remarks among mothers? What is sometimes the subtext of such concern? So that they don’t say “I’m a bad mother.” Fear of being “bad.” And this fear comes from “I” not from “My Baby”. The fear of being a “bad mother” is not the least important factor in controlling your children. Yes, this all sounds cynical and not at all romantic. The naked truth without the romantic packaging of universal love is sometimes scary. “Tolik, we’re going out, iron your shirt, otherwise people will think that I don’t care about you.” An anecdote from the same series. What will people say? Yes, we take care of our loved ones. Out of love. And we control it out of fear. And the line between care and control is very fragile. Take such a terrible case as the death of someone very loved. He no longer needs any care, he is gone and he is not in pain. We cry for ourselves, we are afraid of how we will continue to live without this person. Again, the origin of pain is from the “I.” And why don’t we cry for thousands of other people? Yes, because we don’t know them, they are not included in our, namely, OUR life, and we will successfully live without them. Grief of loss means a total loss of control over the situation. This makes us very scared. I believe that out of fear of loneliness or being abandoned, abandoned