In my previous article, I wrote about the positive impact our charm has on people and the fact that not all of us have it. However, charm can be learned. If you want to learn how to win people over and instill a sense of trust in them, then the following rules will definitely help you with this. Especially if you have a tense, conflictual relationship with someone, or you have to refuse someone something, point out their mistakes to someone, then these rules will help you behave with dignity and at the same time be a charming person . Rules for a charming person. 1. Remember, your business is secondary! One day a certain man approached the sage with a request to tell him what is most important. And the sage revealed a secret to him: “The most important thing in life is the hour in which you live, the person who stands in front of you, and the matter or question with which he addressed you.” And so, it turns out that in order to establish trusting contact with your interlocutor, it is important for you to show him your sincere interest in him, his desires, opinions, problems. Good contact will not work if your interlocutor understands that you are only concerned about your own affairs and yourself. Therefore, learn to listen and hear what you are approached with. Learn to do this sincerely, do not be afraid to distract yourself from your thoughts and affairs for a while, show true interest in who is now in front of you. 2. Listen first. The ability to listen is a skill; it is the calling card of a charming person. This quality is sometimes more valuable than the ability to speak. But if you really want to learn to communicate openly, you will have to develop the ability to listen while empathizing with the person. “The fact is that most of us listen not with the intention of understanding, but with the intention of responding. This happens because we see in the lives of other people a reflection of our lives, our biography, our rightness, and we fence ourselves off from other people’s aspirations and hopes. But, if we start listening to a person with the intention of understanding him, and not expressing our opinion or conveying our experience, then we will, as it were, tune in to the perception of what comes from the very depths of the soul of our interlocutor. We will begin to perceive everything that a person tells us in a completely different way, we will see the world through his eyes and feel everything that he feels. One who listens with the goal of understanding the interlocutor will be able to quickly grasp what is going on inside the other person, and will be able to show such a readiness to perceive, such an understanding that the interlocutor will calmly open up to him, to the very core of his problem. People want to be understood! And no matter how much time you have to devote to this, the return will be much greater, since your actions will be based on an accurate understanding of the problems and circumstances. And as a result, this will lead to the realization that you and your interlocutor understood each other, opening up to each other. The more you begin to understand others, the more you begin to appreciate them, the more respect you treat them.” Stephen Covey. 3. Talk specifically about what you are ready to give to your interlocutor now. Every person who contacts us wants us to give him something: time, attention, sympathy, support, understanding, acceptance, some thing, advice, etc. Everyone who contacts us hopes to receive something from us, what they need at that moment. And it is important for you and me not to disappoint him in this. Therefore, it is very important in a conversation to understand what our interlocutor expects from us and give him a clear and specific answer, whether you can satisfy his expectations and, if not, then why. At the same time, you should not praise yourself or what was asked of you; you should not betray the service you provide, some uniqueness, and praise it or your talents. We need to learn to simply and directly tell a person what we can really give him, even if this is not exactly what our interlocutor expects from us. For example, a buyer approached a certain seller with a request to help himpurchase a product with a certain number of qualities. Our seller knows for sure that there is no similar product in their store, but there is a product similar to the buyer. So, the seller can act in different ways: 1) He will simply begin to praise his product and eventually sell it to the buyer, who has lost his vigilance under the flow of the seller’s boastful speeches. Upon arriving home, the buyer will realize that he was simply duped and is unlikely to ever come to you for purchases again. 2) The seller will honestly and briefly say that he does not have such a product. The buyer will go looking further. 3) But, we can say that yes, I do not have the product you need, however, there is another, it does not have one or two of the qualities you are looking for, but, however, this product has a number of its advantages and if, they say, the buyer wishes, then the seller will be happy to demonstrate the product and talk about it. How do you know if the buyer will agree to listen to you?! But one thing is for sure, he will remember you as a person attentive to his needs and, if necessary, he will definitely contact you again, and perhaps tell his friends about you. There is no more effective advertising than word of mouth, especially since in terms of financial costs it costs nothing, but requires the investment of enormous mental and intellectual strength. 4. Criticize carefully. Every time we come into any contact with others, we risk sooner or later getting into a certain situation when we have to tell a person something that is not entirely pleasant for him, express our misunderstanding, criticism, etc. If we are already in such a situation, then we need to act very patiently, wisely, prudently, cautiously and tactfully. Any of our negative feelings or words, in response to the actions, deeds or speeches of our interlocutor, can cause a retaliatory strike. And who knows what it will look like: a stab in the back, a barrage of indignation and denunciation, silent resentment and isolation, etc. One thing is true, it can really damage your relationship and your reputation. Therefore, if you find yourself in a situation in which you need to express your opinion about something that you do not agree with or that offends you, then do it very calmly and respectfully, do not slide into banal accusations or disdainful attitude towards someone mistakes or weaknesses. You can't blame people for not understanding or being stubborn, not being able to do something, or not being able to manage their emotions. Make it a rule to never blame anyone for anything. And yet, if you need to express your criticism of someone, then remember that you can only criticize a person’s actions and actions, but not his personality. For example, your friend asked you for the textbook you need for one day. Please note, this tutorial is very necessary for you. However, you understand that your friend needs it and agree to give him this book for one day. You agree that your friend will return your textbook to you by 7 p.m. tomorrow. However, the next day the friend did not come and did not bring the textbook. You need the book. What to do? How to proceed? If you want to maintain friendship and friendly relationships no matter what, then you have to act in the paradigm of what I wrote above. You can call a friend and ask him in a calm and friendly tone if everything is fine with him, if he is healthy. Listen carefully. Then, you can say that you are forced to remind him of your agreement regarding the textbook, you can honestly say that he did not fulfill his promise, and ask him about when he can exactly deliver the textbook to you and where. Yes, you can tell the person that you are nervous because the obligations were not met. But you cannot tell a person that he is not necessary, that you cannot rely on him, etc. 5. Without metal in the voice. None of us likes to be reminded of our responsibilities or spoken to in a commanding, didactic, arrogant or didactic tone. Why? It is this tone that puts a person in a childish position, i.e. shows him that he is completely dependent on the speaker, this tone conveys whatthat the person speaking is in a position higher than the listener. In response to such a tone, people usually resist and become irritated. And as a result, instead of cooperation, we enter a period of conflicts, fights and wars. Is it worth it? Therefore, when communicating with people, you should imagine your interlocutor as someone who wants to become your best friend. Do not rise above your interlocutor, speak calmly and confidentially, be soft or firm according to the moment. However, remember, no matter what, your tone should remain even and friendly. And if you have to give a person some kind of order, then the best form for this is a request, advice, suggestion or question. 6. And you are to blame. Many of us, every time we find ourselves in unpleasant situations, tend to look for the reason not in ourselves, but in other people and circumstances. However, a completely different situation is observed if we become participants in some kind of success - here everyone is happy to say what exactly he put into the business, what his contribution to the success is. What can you do, this is how our psyche works, we all want to be heroes and winners, no, not just heroes and winners, but impeccable heroes and winners. This is where our human behavior comes from. However, let's return to conflict situations. No matter how much we would like to distance ourselves from involvement in the conflict that has arisen, we still need to remember a simple rule: both sides bear responsibility for the conflict - you and your opponent. There cannot be one person to blame for the conflict; learn to share responsibility for what happened. It is responsibility, not a painful feeling of guilt. You already know from your own practice that if you immerse yourself in a feeling of guilt, then trouble will not be avoided. This feeling devours everything good in its path, plus our time, energy, opportunities and relationships. I propose something else - to share responsibility for what is happening, i.e. admit that you also made some negative contribution to the development of the conflict or the emergence of some misunderstanding or tension in relations with your neighbor. But not only admit this fact within yourself, but draw some conclusions about how you could have provoked the situation that arose, where you made a mistake and what kind of mistake. This is the first step. The second step - do not be afraid to admit your personal responsibility for what happened. Don't blame others for what happened, take responsibility for yourself first. You see, a person is designed in such a way that as soon as he sees that someone boldly admits their mistakes, he immediately takes a step towards meeting you and shares responsibility with you, or in any case becomes softer and more accommodating, because everyone wants to participate in success, even such as maintaining and building relationships. By admitting your mistakes, taking responsibility, and taking the first step towards reconciliation, you thereby achieve enormous success in personal growth. Tell me, what could be more important than victory over your own weaknesses, complexes and passions?! Everyone is ready to share such a victory. You should do the same if you have been accused, in your opinion, unreasonably and unfairly. By accepting this kind of responsibility and recognizing that even if you don’t know how you hurt your interlocutor, you show him that your relationship with him is personally significant to you. It is with this behavior that you are completely capable of disarming a person opposed to you, and he will probably want to protect you, take a step forward and simply say: “Come on, who doesn’t!” The conflict will be resolved, the relationship will be preserved, and the dignity of both parties will not be affected. 7. Don't be afraid to praise people. Tell me, have you noticed the fact that we always see flaws in someone or something and tend to draw both our attention and the attention of others to it. But how often do we talk about the merits of a person, especially to himself? Usually, virtues are taken for granted and people forget to talk about them, just like praising others. But it's a completely different matter if we seecertain shortcomings in someone, here our eloquence is unlikely to fail us. So, in order to be a charming person, you need to learn to tell your interlocutor about his merits, about all the best that is in him, in your opinion. Each of us likes to hear positive feedback about ourselves; they can serve as a powerful stimulator for the development of relationships in a positive direction, because we are unlikely to want to fail to live up to the expectations of someone who recognized our merits. Do not skimp on praise in relationships with loved ones! But this must be done sincerely, with all my heart. You know, it’s better to make a mistake in recognizing the merits of your interlocutor than to constantly show distrust and wariness towards people and engage in constant criticism. 8. Make the “aggressor” your friend. You and I often have to deal with intolerant, irritable, and aggressive people in our lives. And, as a rule, in response to their emotional mood, irritation arises inside us and a desire to make such people understand how ugly they behave, how unfair they are to others. If you follow your internal irritation in a conversation with such a person, then conflict is inevitable. But, after all, a bad world is at least better than a good quarrel. Therefore, when meeting with such an interlocutor, no matter who he is, try to get into the position of this person, try to look at the world through his eyes. Just admit that he himself is suffering from something and that is why his inner pain makes him behave this way. In spite of everything, try to patiently listen to your interlocutor and understand what he wants to convey to you despite the negative emotional charge that seethes and bubbles within him. If you manage to listen to your interlocutor, then you will be able to inspire confidence in him, and this will calm him down, and he will be able to tell you what worries him more calmly and clearly. And who knows, perhaps you can help this person at least with your support or practical advice, or simply be the only one who simply listened to him and calmed his inner pain with your sincere attention, empathy and respect. And if such a suffering person does not treat you in a friendly manner after this, he will certainly remember you for a long time as a sincere and charming person who listened to him and supported him as best he could. And such an opinion is worth gold! 9. Don't quarrel! This rule does not mean at all that you need to make concessions all the time and keep your mouth shut. Yes, this is not possible in reality. This rule says that no matter how tense the conversation may be, no matter what harsh remarks are thrown at you, you need to remember that you personally should not use phrases such as “you are wrong” or “this your fault." These phrases are usually always on the tip of our tongues, and they are the ones that really irritate our opponents, and they are the ones that will lead any conversation to a quarrel. It is impossible to live without being involved in a quarrel, but if you are already in one, then behave with dignity: speak respectfully, calmly and briefly, try not to get irritated and control your speech. Do not put pressure on your interlocutor, do not blame him and do not make excuses yourself, do not reject his claims against you. Try to think constructively and offer various compromises. Your interlocutor probably said something useful and positive, note it, look for what unites you in this conversation, and does not divide you. Remember that only a quarrel in which both ended up winning and in which there were no losers or offended people ends well. 10. Always smile. The most disarming thing is a sincere, friendly smile. Looking at a good-naturedly smiling person, even the most aggressive people become more peaceful. You know, if you smile even when you are in a bad mood, then, as a rule, the bad mood quickly disappears. A sincere, friendly smile can weaken any resistance and pressure, can win over and inspire trust. It is a sincere and friendly smile